Don’t try this at home

I nearly swallowed some extra strong bleach. I can tell you how it happened, but I don’t know how it could happen. Perhaps I unwittingly broke a law of physics. You can’t do that? Tell me what law says you can’t break a law of physics! I don’t know of a law of Nature that says you can’t.

I was using a length of hosepipe to siphon out all the water from the sink that wouldn’t go down the blocked drain. As you know, to use the siphoning principle, which obeys some law of physics, I don’t know which, you start by sucking on the pipe and then quickly drop that end low, to send the flow to a bucket on the floor. Yes, a little water went in my mouth, and it certainly wasn’t tasty, but it wasn’t bleach. Not yet, please wait. So now the drain was as empty as I could get it. I’d already checked the sink trap, that bendy pipe that usually gets clogged first, but it was clean. So the blockage must be further along. Now I put in the extra strong bleach, followed by a kettleful of hot water. What we needed of course was a plunger but it was Sunday and the shops were closed. We improvised with a bendy plastic dish: but it did bring up some blackened slimy stuff, which we scooped away. This dish was K’s brilliant idea, and led me to exclaim “You can be my plumber’s mate any day!”—words I never thought I would say. But when it broke she suggested we give up for the evening, and left me to my own devices.

So then I had the clever idea of putting back the hosepipe, pushing it down the drain hole as far as it would go and blocking all exits with rags. I blew down the pipe with all my might, and this is when, a second later, there was a great gurgling and the bleach blew back up the pipe into my mouth. I wanted to cough, spit, groan, vomit, and die, all at the same time. This proved impossible so I did the first three and tried to do the fourth, with slight success. As to the fifth, I consulted the Oracle, I mean Google, entering the keywords “bleach” and “throat”. You would be surprised how many people have asked whether it was a good idea to gargle with bleach if you have a sore throat. I know the answer to that one. You would be also surprised at the range of online opinions: bleach-drinking is harmless; it permanently wrecks the oesophagus; it might kill you; it’s so unspeakable that you have to seek immediate medical attention, if you can still speak. Me, I could only manage a hoarse croak. Anyhow by the time I read that milk was the recommended thing to drink, I had already quaffed some lemon juice, plain water, a spoonful of honey and a couple of biscuits, whilst wondering if some rum might also be a comfort. By the time I went to bed, I was convinced it wasn’t fatal in my case, but wondered whether life without an oesophagus was something I could get used to.

I woke up this morning feeling generally bruised, like one who has suffered some generic trauma, such as surgery. As soon as the shop opened I bought a plunger. It worked as it is supposed to do. The sink has never drained so quickly before, and finishes with an eager gurgle.

Searching for an illustration, I’m astonished to find you can buy plungers at the bookseller Amazon, where it says alongside: “Usually dispatched within 4 to 5 days” and also “Ordering for Christmas? Based on the delivery schedule of Heritage Home and Garden, this item will arrive after December 24”. They must be pitching at purchasers whose desire for this useful item is not suicidally impatient.