Written June 25th, 2007
I confess to being deeply serious. It goes back fifty years at least. Do you find that the most embarrassing incidents are etched indelibly in your memory? Such was the moment in 1957 when I was outed as a “truth-seeker”. A dear gentle teacher from the island of Jersey, Mr Dufeu, who taught me French and maths, accosted me in the street and asked about the books I’d brought out from the Public Library. Poor man, he was sacked not long after, for explaining to the class how he had manipulated our test marks to give a sensible distribution curve. He was only trying to show how statistics can be used practically in the real world, but the headmaster, proud to be righteous in the eyes of God, found him guilty of practising deceit and teaching it too.
I reluctantly showed Monsieur Dufeu my books: a commentary on St John’s Gospel, the Analects of Confucius and the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali. I’d gone to the library with no intent other than “to find something interesting”. He said solemnly, for he too was serious, “Then you must be a seeker of Truth!” I could not think of a reply, but I trusted his discretion. At fifteen it’s important to keep one’s peers’ respect & not be accused of an interest in theology.
I missed the Sixties through becoming a young father, programming computers, and general depression. Not till age thirty was I ready to drop out and turn on. Within a year of discovering marijuana, LSD and hippy communes I was caught up in worship of a boy god. Yes, it’s absurd but don’t followers of every public religion adapt it to their private purposes, and soften its rough edges? In 30 years I’ve spent 10,000 hours in cross-legged meditation. It never got easy, never got good: so I just kept doggedly trying, till it was just a superstition like a Catholic crossing himself and telling his beads. The other night, I dreamed that I “needed to meditate”, as one “needs a cigarette” or a stiff drink. A crutch, a habit, an addiction.
It wasn’t just the one hour of meditation. There were beliefs too which polluted the other twenty-three and have since caused me regret and shame. I believed I had found what everyone needs. Whenever a friendship came my way, I had to tell them of the precious jewel of wisdom which would save their souls.
It’s been joyous to stop meditating, to know that there is no secret knowledge that I must impart to others; and that I don’t need to practice anything, follow any rules, venerate any teacher. Best of all is to know I am no better than everyone else.
A madman was once asked—allegedly—why he kept banging his head against the wall: “Because it’s so nice when I stop.” Oh yes, it is so nice!
11 thoughts on “Goodbye to sitting cross-legged”
Kathy
I remember this fortune cookie i got once…it said: “The only good is knowledge, the only evil is ignorance.”
Vincent
You’re a very special person Kathy to find true inspiration in a fortune cookier
Kathy
LOL Vincent you make me laugh!(((Hugs)))
ghetufool
marhaba!
Kathy
Vincent:
Interesting question you brought up over at Paul’s place (Crisis of faith post)…Why is the Absurd not enough for all of us? Great question!
Kathy
May the force be with you! 🙂
Jim
‘Give me a break!’, said the Wise Man…and he took one. Amen. Hello Vincent, thanks for everything, hope you are well and I see around that you are, stay that way, get even better, yes to the literature thing, yes to much.Love to you my friend, I will reply to your comments in due time, time is short these days, but I will see you. Again, Thanks.
Fleming
Vincent, although it isn’t your point, you make me feel better about my problems with sitting meditation. I have trouble sitting still for very long unless I’m asleep, and it is difficult to attain deep meditation when there is an element of torture involved. A bright psychic lady at the nearby spiritualist community told me that she has the same problem and so meditates while walking in her garden.
And I recall that THE POWER OF NOW contains a mocking statement about enlightenment not coming as a result of being able to sit still longer than other people. (I’ve probably botched the line.) And Hermann Hesse’s Siddhartha abandoned meditation as a crab might abandon an outgrown shell.
It occurs to me that while some think that enlightenment comes as a result of long sitting, others think it breaks through in flashes. Based on my very limited experience, meditation can be a soothing and inspiring tool, but the highest moments of intuitive insight can come suddenly in other ways.
serenity
Vincent,Oh yes, it does feel so very good to stop.
Kathy
Vincent hello. About the Youtube video…it wasn’t me who put the link up. If you find it let me know…i would love to view it also.
Paul
It sounds like you were meditating under some sort of duress! My experience in this area is so limited – to my own, which was so different – that it makes me wonder if it’s something like jogging? You know, how some people get the “runner’s high” and a lot of people just hate it. Or if it’s the context/circumstances in which a person undertakes meditation that can make it a negative or positive experience.
Vincent
(republishing this post on rochereau.uk on May 4th 2026—19 years later): too right, it was duress. I’d been promised satchitanand: “truth consciousness and bliss” but found myself a miserable passenger on a plane that wouldn’t let me off