I spent thirty years of my life in a structure of belief that I now find hard to explain. It was an extraordinary honey-trap which leaves me ashamed of having got caught in it.
The essence of the creed was to be “in that place”. We all knew what it meant, thanks to our possession of Knowledge—secret techniques of meditation. As the leader said in one of his extempore talks, which seem so compelling and cogent to believers:
Of all the things you do, all the things you do, if you find yourself not in that place, yes, you can do what you do — but fundamentally something in that equation will be missing.
Knowledge was the key to be in that place. In its heyday (long past) the movement was remarkable in inspiring people to take on vows of poverty, chastity and obedience within a chain of ashrams. So it doesn’t surprise me that the same kind of intelligent young people of the middle classes can nowadays get recruited as suicide bombers.
It is scary to think of how easily one can become brainwashed. All that’s needed is to break your link to common sense and common humanity. After that, you are special, a member of the elect. You have no defences left against promises of salvation.
In the case of which I speak, the only reward was to “be in that place”. It was a reward one constantly strove for, and in its absence one constantly examined oneself to discover shortcomings, such as an insufficiency of effort. One was tempted of course to escape. There was no mechanism to stop you, just the sense that “yes, you can do what you do but fundamentally something in that equation will be missing”. This was experienced as guilt, a sense of nameless horror at the consequences of betrayal.
“In that place”—as if there was just one place, reached via renunciation and surrender to dubious leadership! My dears, when I think of “that place”, it seems like a miserable dungeon, all the worse because I put myself in it. When the door is finally opened, and the prisoner set free, it takes him time to gather the courage to walk out.
Sometimes I have asked myself if that thirty years was wasted, or yielded value despite everything. I’ve alternated between both those answers. But now it seems like a leading question, containing an embedded assumption, which I reject. I don’t have to submit a set of accounts for my life, with any spiritual profit and loss recorded for each year. I learned a lot, that’s certain; much of it consisting of what not to do. I curse my own perseverance in doing what yielded nothing; in following a self-styled teacher; and most of all in thinking I had been shown some “pearl of great price”, an embryo enlightenment, whose failure to hatch was all my fault.
In hindsight, I suggest there is greater joy in doing the opposite of what, for so long, I persisted in doing.
a wayfarer’s notes 
this was really interesting vincent, thank you for posting it. Are you going on a vacation? I hope you have an enjoyable time.
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“common sense” and “common humanity” seem to have a small place in “common” thinking these days ;D
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Thanks for comments, Chris & Davo. I realise this morning that there was something more I had intended to say:
“Religion sells back to you, at a heavy price, a little part of that which is yours already.”
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Yes, going on vacation – to Jamaica. thanks for good wishes.
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It's not easy to make a number of conclusions based on our past experiences and “knowledge”. For example what karma is all about and what it really means. We tend to see karma as the law of cause and effect: “what you sow you reap”. But I think karma in the
positive sense is more like training and opportunity. It means that whatever we've been thru has its positive effects in the present. And meditation is not a way to make people stupid and enslave them for the benefit of the teacher. But to concentrate the mind and energy in order to find peace, happiness and compassion. Independent of past and present circumstances.
I am tempted to make more positive conclusions. (see twitter)
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Have a good and relaxing trip!
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Vincent, The image I see…
Setting ourselves free and trusting in what is inside is as fresh as the dew that trickles down from the pine's fronds, as free flowing as the sap that will find its way out and down the trunk.
In my teenage years, I was always drawn to Jamaica. I hope you have a wonderful, relaxing, and safe trip.
p.s. I wonder why you were in a somber mood…
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I hope you have (are having!) a wonderful trip, filled with joy and reunion.
Having had a somewhat similar “cult” experience I've come out in a somewhat different place.
It seems to have innoculated me forever against “received” wisdom and “the teachings of the priests/fathers/whatever.” Even more humbling and crucial, for me, was the understanding of the ego trap that led me to accept the chains. My current spiritual explorations had a stiff barrier in place before I followed them. Eventually I realized that this core of holiness is something that attracted me then, now, forever. The difference is in the pursuit. When vision is clouded by the desire/assurance of specialness all is lost.
I think few are immune to brainwashing, given opportunity and the presence of someone who can learn the secret of their ego.
“Religion sells back to you, at a heavy price, a little part of that which is yours already.”
yes. a profound statement.
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Chris, yes, a vacation. K left Jamaica to marry me five years ago. this is the first time we have been back.
Davo, right. Commonsense and humanity are the secret weapons.
V, I don't disagree, but expressed my own case as truthfully as possible, without any beliefs about karma and meditation.
Thanks Luciana! It has been a wonderful trip, in so many ways.
Rebb, thanks for your lovely words. I'm not sure what triggered my sombre mood but I think that nervousness about the trip had a lot to do with it.
Hayden, there are so many joyful reunions! I never realised K had been so missed after coming to England. You understand very well the lure of the cult trap, but it all seems so distant now. I no longer pursue anything.
I was told a Jamaican saying or proverb today. I am trying to understand it: “Everything is everything”.
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