It’s not the done thing to bore the company with ongoing bulletins of one’s ailment, but when dramatic recovery is the punch-line, we can risk stretching a point.
A week ago, I was troubled in mind, as I recorded in this post. I lit a candle in the church, said a prayer for the world and went for a long walk. From the next day on, my thigh was in severe pain, muscle strain presumed, though there was no redness or swelling. The doctor prescribed potions which did no good. Walking was too painful and I feared it would damage the tissues further; but it was almost as agonising to lie down or stand—even putting weight on the other leg. There was little if any improvement all week and I didn’t know what to do.
Being stuck indoors weak and wretched was a sinister echo of the chronic illness I’d suffered for years, and only escaped eighteen months ago. Recovery accompanied by an inner certainty has now come suddenly, a joyful echo of that previous major recovery, which I still insist on calling a miracle—not supernatural, but sudden and unexpected.
I know exactly why the pain came and went. It’s important to share the insight for it throws light on all those mystery illnesses which some call “psychosomatic”.
I am, or used to be—I’m still not sure which—a healer myself, in a small way. I’ve been treating a certain patient for months. From the very first session, I sensed that things would work out well, but it has involved time and effort of both parties. Meanwhile, I had a characteristic confrontation with authority—critical as I tend to be of any “expert”, such as my own doctor.
I managed to fall out with my practice supervisor on the issue of “tried-and-tested guidelines” versus “trust my own intuition”. The day I’d lit that votive candle, I’d made a decision to resign my role. There was a heavy sense of loss, but felt I was right, that my point of principle justified the sacrifice. The problem was that deep down, my trust in intuition was shakier than I admitted. Did this mean my supervisor was right? No, I’d sooner take that diploma down from the wall than admit that!
Then my client attended for an appointment which had been booked prior to the above. For once, I was troubled neither by self-doubt nor the need to justify myself to the supervisor. I opened myself calmly to inner guidance & did no other preparation for the session.
Beyond all doubt the client has not only recovered the illness but entered on a promising new life. Healer and patient have agreed that our agendas have been fulfilled. Five minutes afterwards, I realised my leg pain’s agenda had also been fulfilled. I’d suppressed a gnawing self-doubt so it surfaced in a gnawing pain.
I went to celebrate the dual recovery with a walk on Downley Common, above [via Flickr], where flocks of flat-bottomed clouds like to graze in the sempiternal sky.
a wayfarer’s notes 
makes a good deal of sense to me. things repressed cause all kinds of damage. glad you're recovered!
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Hullo Vincent, I just caught up with your recent posts. I am very happy to hear about the end of your troubling pain, and your being able to link this to other issues troubling you.I remembered your blog title – perpetual lab – a couple of days ago. I was in a moment when I felt there was only perpetual grace!I also remembered you while reflecting that something is waiting to be written, an antithesis to Islamophobia, or of Naipaul's books on Islamic countries; not an ideological treatise, but something felt in one's heart. There could be another view even of the much-loathed Taliban. Your posts about your Muslim neighbours begin this alternative view. A compassionate account of sensibility, family, community, all closed to most people because of external symbols whose self-imposed connotations people simply accept.Perhaps with your closing of one chapter – as a therapist – a new chapter could begin – that of a human bridge / harmoniser.About myself – a propos our dialogue in London, about the messages being conveyed by one's body; I would like to think a substantive addressal of the underlying factors in my case has begun; entirely unanticipated. Perpetual grace!Warmlyrama
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You've given your readers a boost with your stories of recovery. It's good to know you are feeling your healthy self again.
Isn't it true that intuition is ALWAYS superior to rules or guidelines?
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Hullo again brother Vincent, I had meant to mention – vis-a-vis my point about writing about the sensibility of devout Muslims – the great Jewish scholar and writer Abraham Joshua Heschel's book “The Earth Is the Lord's”. This is a story about the daily life of Jews in Eastern Europe before the 20th century. I felt an equivalent of this should be written and that you might be a good candidate for this. Are you familiar with Heschel's writings? One of my heroes!Bestrama
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Rama thanks so much for your suggestion & I know exactly what you are meaning. It could be an important project to write a sympathetic book about Muslim spirituality in a specific time and place. I'll write more on this later!
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Fleming, I don't feel fabulous— more like a fabulist! Recovery yes, but muscles have not yet unknotted. Integrity compels confession. More later.
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Rama I'm excited by the clue that things are moving positively in addressing certain issues. Perpetual grace is a fact!
Hayden, yes, I would not put it that things repressed cause damage—at least not when I am putting a healer's hat on. I would say that things repressed don't keep quiet. They tug at our sleeve! Well yes, they might even cause death ultimately, which certainly may be seen as damage. From a spiritual perspective though, it's merely things trying to put themselves right, for we all die anyhow, and Nature's objective is not always the same as our obstinate wills' and intellects' objectives. It is for the best that Nature wins!
Perpetual grace! Yes, it is true because I see certain people's lives appearing to crumble & causing them great distress in the process, but in a way I feel a relief when this happens because they “had it coming” from the way they were living. I don't say that in a vengeful way. What I mean is that it had not been possible to point out to those people that they were heading for catastrophe in the way they were treating their lives. Only their own lives, I mean their direct personal experience, could have pointed this out to them. Not the advice of an onlooker.
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Rama, following up your mention of Heschel, I've briefly checked what that book seems to be about. With Heschel being a Rabbi, the book was a look at Judaism from the inside, and the only equivalent for Islam would be a book written by a Muslim from the inside.
I know nothing about Islam and am not even curious. I just pick up the vibes from the shared street, and imagine an inner life devoid of doctrine and schism and rules and scriptures. I see these tall dignified men every day wearing the rolled-up felt pakul hats as if they were Mujihadeen from Afghanistan, and perhaps they are!
You see, I'm no more of an activist than a dog, who goes around sniff, sniff, chasing rabbits, lifting its leg at a lamp-post: good-hearted but lacking in any political principles at all.
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yes, it is right to trust one's instinct rather than to go by set rules.
pain…though physical has a psychological aspect too. in these cases you trust your instinct to get the desired result. i always do so, until the point i couldn't bear the pain anymore and run to the medic acknowledging my defeat.
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I think you encountered the placebo effect.
You're ideas regarding your situation provided you with a reasonable explanation for your symptoms.
Your mind was then better prepared to face the pain, and thus, better able to manage it.
As you acknowledge, the pain is not gone. However, your ability to cope with the pain has improved.
This works in the opposite way as well. The state you were in a week ago may have left you in poor condition, phsycologically, to meet the pain head on.
You may have even anticipated pain as a result of your situation.
A good doctor will treat both the wound as well as the mind. It sounds as if you have done this yourself in your treatment of others. Perhaps this is why it was felt that you were not following the “rules”.
I don't know, but I am very happy to hear that you are out walking again. I was concerned when reading the earlier posts.
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i find that i`m at my best when working to heal others. there is a sybiotic relationship between us that benifits both.
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Charles & Alistair, thanks for your perceptive comments. Yesterday I went to see a physiotherapist who specialises in sports injuries, & he said it was my bones which needed realigning. He was such a smooth operator, performing complicated manoeuvres with total confidence like a stage magician, whilst explaining, asking questions, discussing anything and everything. Best of all he encouraged me to take as much exercise as I want.
But I still don't know how healing works!
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Vincent,
What a wonderful post, and illustration of the strength of following your intuition, or true Self, honoring that choice, and the connection to someone else in Oneness. I love Dr. Alistair's comment too! I feel the same way.
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