I will tell you how it seems to me. That should go without saying, for what else can I truthfully tell?
Up to a certain time in childhood I was true to myself, because “I didn’t know any better”. Then I tried to learn the ways of my society, how to fit in, and was not too successful. So then I was waylaid by following my spiritual instincts and surrendering my common-sense to a guru. I meditated in the supposed protection of his satsang and his agya for thirty years. It involved (in the simplest terms) sitting with eyes shut and focusing on the breath. It was tedious, boring: without encouragement, left to myself, I would have abandoned it pretty soon. Whether I should thank or blame that guru is a finely-balanced point. Some would say it depends where I end up. But I definitely blame St Matthew’s gospel, Chapter 7, verses 15 to 20, where Jesus is reported to say: “Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing . . . wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.” I spent thirty years waiting for the fruits and trying to determine if they were good or bad, and I don’t know yet. Saint Matthew, you’re a lightweight, who needs you? You’re fired.
During those years, my body rebelled against the steadfastness of my will, and gave me illness, till I could hardly walk. O how grateful I am to the body’s common-sense which brought me back, safe and whole after those middle years spent getting lost in the follies of this world and ignorant gurudom!
As Dante says at the beginning of his Inferno:
Nel mezzo del cammin di nostra vita
mi ritrovai per una selva oscura
che la diritta via era smarrita
Ahi quanto a dir quel era è cosa dura
esta selvaggia e aspra e forte
che nel pensier rinova la paura!
Tant’è amara che poco è più morte;
ma per trattar del ben ch’i’ vi trovai,
dirò de l’altre cose ch’i’ v’ho scorte.
Midway along our road of life I woke
to find myself in a dark and secret wood
for I had lost the narrow path. To evoke
What it was like – how hard, I barely could
this wood was savage, dense and strange! The thought
of it renews those fears that I withstood
A place so bitter, only to be caught
in death is worse. Yet there I found my share
of good, so now I’ll tell what else it brought.
(Translation by Willis Barnstone, preserving Dante’s own terza rima)
Now I have found myself again, I correct my meditation and place it firmly in the world, with all senses awakened and myself porous to the Universe, for together we are the ecological whole. Let religions stand corrected! Our aim in this precious human life is not to escape from this world to some cloister, not to store up treasures in some vague future Heaven, but engage rapturously with the grim, gross yet ecstatic wonder of this earthly life. My meditation is to walk the earth under the shared sky, proud, grateful and joyous. And if I could not walk I would beg to be pushed in a wheelchair or deposited on a bench.
When I was ill and getting worse, I had the idea, instead of mouldering in a hospital or old people’s home, to hang out and take my chance on a tropical beach till Death tidied away my tattered remains. That plan is now on hold.
There is no better worship than to expose ourselves under the sky. Not in a house; not in that antisocial habit called the motor-car, not in the isolated bubble of a cell-phone or mp3 player stuck to the ear, but fully present to the immediate environment. God is closer in street or meadow than cloister. Not that I have any recommendations to give anyone. If you want a religion, invent your own. You don’t need mine or anyone else’s.
After those middle years, of paying one’s dues to family and State, the old Hindu idea is to be a sannyasin. Yet that tradition is just another tramline, a rut that could lead me astray. I’ll just follow my urge, let the fruits of my life swell and fall in their ripeness, till it’s time to go.
a wayfarer’s notes 
they say to realise the ultimate you have to be a sannyasin, but it's upto you whether you want to detach yourself from the world and practice yoga in the jungle or spend your life among your family and lead a pious life.according to hindu believes, the second path is the hardest of all practiced and the first path is the easiest.what you are practicing now is the second path. though your idea of a snnayasin is totally different, you are actually treading the path of a sannayasin. dig deep inside you, if you have developed some kind of renunciation you are on the way to monkhood, even if you satisfy your carnal desires.i am sorry i couldn't make you understand well, but i wuould advice you to read the “gospel of sri ramakrishna” you will get it in any ramakrishna mission. look into google for ramakrishna missions near your place, hope it would quench your thirst of spirituality and establish the fact that what you are practiciing is just a way to attain the highest goal.
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Good post Vincent. Walk and talk your own, you go there, whatever and where ever you lead.You speak here of Will, exercised to your own disadvantage, I know that way myself, it is not good.But the Will you know now is the same, but now at the service of your heart, not brain. Therein is the difference between animal and human. This is what I wanted to get to and tell you about. The brain rules by the senses, the heart rules by the mind, the mind and the brain are not the same, sure they can be closely related, but they are not one belonging to or a product of, the other. Good for you Vincent.
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Jim, I agree there are two kinds of will. One is – if you like – mind over matter. The other is nature.And, to both Ghetufool and Jim, I want to clarify that to me, “spirit” is part of the physical. Heart is physical, senses are physical. “Mind” is a term I cannot use because our brain has evolved different parts over time. The most recent and sophisticated is the intellect, that we have allowed to be master over the rest, but it should be a servant. Its powers of will and ingenuity to over-ride commonsense and instinct should be used in emergency only.Ghetufool, I have looked at some sutras of the Gospel of Ramakrishna, and it's not my scene even if it once was. My “thirst for spirituality” does not take me to missions or churches, for what I seek is in everyone and in nature and in myself, without need of any mediation or interpretation. But in any case it is not accurate to say I have a thirst for spirituality, as I do not believe in any highest goal to be attained. What I see is that all of us, human, animal and plants and even rocks and air, are joined in co-dependence, each worthy of equal respect. Each of us does what he sees right at the time, fulfilling his destiny, without the elitism of the spiritual seeker as being superior to anyone else.
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Hullo! I remembered vis-à-vis your “I want to be just an animal” credo: I had recently read the Japanese manga master Osamu Tezuka’s (multi-volume) “Buddha”, a graphic novel. This has a character who renounces his human-hood, and entirely animal-ises himself, in penance for a horrific blunder. Very profound, and moving that was.I thought you might like to visit the blog:http://anarchomuslim.blogspot.com/He also recently discussed the issue of the prisons system in the UK, in: http://anarchomuslim.blogspot.com/2006/10/prison-crime-and-justice.htmlBest, rama
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Thanks Rama for the link. Yes, there are all these finely-tuned political attitudes going on here. It is hard for muslims or other minorities to keep quiet when various coded insinuations are regularly made in the press or in daily conversations. I could blog almost every day about politics! This morning, I considered how peaceful the Muslims are in my town, whilst the foreign policy of Tony Blair helps kill thousands of Muslims overseas & only a handful of dead British soldiers are mourned. Suddenly I felt the anger of Muslims, just as I was crossing the road, and I understood why a handful of young hotheads would want to train for terrorist activities, not because they are evil but because they feel their brother Muslims are complicit in the shame of not doing anything.But later I felt a great relief because even the new chief of the British Army, General Sir Richard Dannatt, is saying the British soldiers should get out of Iraq.By persisting in the armed occupation, Blair is shaming British democracy because we the people know it is wrong. (I will mention politics in comments but not in my posts!)
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You are beautiful.
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There is a quote by someone along the lines that 'one is nearer to God in a garden than anywhere else'.I am glad that you follow your own inclination rather than submit to others' ideas.
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It is remarkable that many say (apparently without understanding the meaning of their words) that God, Allah, or whomever they worship, is beyond our ability to perceive or imagine, while never giving up the limitations prescribed by religion, science, educational institutions etc. that try to fit anything in to frames over which they have self proclaimed authority. Frames are clearly limited constructions – only what is inside the frame counts, anything outside it does not belong to what they consider to be true, valid appropriate etc. Any organization I consider to be unworthy of my commitment – I have to comply to a certain level in order to survive, but I cherish my freedom to develop my own visions (that often conflict with those of the organizations). It does not matter what they stand for, what they teach or support, my world is one of removing borders, limitations and paradoxes. It is inevitable that this is a dangerous path for it opens doors to any direction. I speak from experience. The human mind is capable of abominations that words fail to describe. But the self conquered freedom can also be used to explore the good side, the Light side of the universe and I often wondered why the organizations barred us from this. It is an illusion to believe their standard response that says it is to protect us from harm. The harm in this world is invariably caused by organizations, that thus betray what they impose on others who think differently. It is good to read that you have dismissed dogmas, regulations and man-made laws – they are a pile of crap.Durian I like too, although the scent of the fruit is very strong. Personally I like Matoa, a fruit exclusively found in former New-Guinea that remotely resembles Lei-Chi, but is softer, sweeter and bigger.Take care,RAge
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I was raised vaguely christian as a matter of circumstance and environment, but my dad said – and practiced – that if he wanted to feel close to god he would spend time in nature with no roof over his head.So our sundays were often spent canoeing, wandering trails through the forest, fishing. To this day I need a healthy minimum of being out of doors in nature in order to stay in balance. Gazing at a leaf or a bird is as close to god as I need to be.
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