. . . Spiritual Homes, December 2024
I had been quite apprehensive about this trip as I was worried about my own personal excitability and spontaneous way of being — a concern/question as to how I could both be myself as well as act in an appropriate way in respect of my fellow pilgrim travellers, never mind how best to conduct myself for my own sake!
I was inspired, in spite of my anxiety, in the knowledge that we were embarking on a journey — during which we could genuinely ask for help, and I really felt I needed a great deal of assistance from a Divine source (as is still the case).
I think everyone, including myself, was pretty tired on the first leg of the journey and so it was very quiet on route, which was a great relief to me — to neither feel the need (which has been my tendency) to talk, response or even listen.
We arrived at Lindisfarne and, whilst it was windy, we were blessed with dry, bright weather and, having prepared well for the cold, I found myself warm and comfortable – these outer conditions for which I had been guided to prepare for facilitated, in me, a sense of both comfort and safety already a blessing in itself!
We were greeted by a kind, enthusiastic guide who told us of Cuthbert’s life at Lindisfarne Priory.
A visit to the shoreline, which I affectionately referred to as the beach, revealed Cuthbert’s Island, which appeared amazingly close and yet pretty inaccessible when the tides were out (as was event at that point). I was told that Cuthbert had built himself a cell on the island with no windows or roof so that he could experience his connection with the heavens without the excessive distraction of his external environment (being so close to the Priory) and the nature of the isthmus (both joining and separating) facilitated this by deterring visitors — apart from the Eider ducks, seals and otters who, I learnt, became his friends/companions during his time of refuge on the island.
>The guide indicated that St Cuthbert would take refuge there for periods of as little as six hours (between tides) to be alone with his Lord. I really felt that this was an amazing resource that had been both gifted to him as an environment and that he, too, had gifted to himself as an act of freewill. This struck me as a wonderful idea of my future life (obviously not literally to attempt to replicate such circumstances!) — to embrace solitude as a pathway to rest and recuperation, rather than continually looking for solace in the company of others. This was the first time that I have fully considered the benefit of my own company as a place of refuge.
The highlight of our journey to Lindisfarne was (for me) the rugged nature of the windy shoreline as it felt like a place of connection; both to the outer and inner elements of Divinity. The inner landscape being my longing for refuge whilst the outer conditions helped me to appreciate St Cuthbert’s own external elemental journey in what appeared to be a very harsh, natural environment. This sense of harshness is something that I both envisaged as being present in St Cuthbert’s life on a daily basis as well as resonating with a lived experience in my inner landscape.
The embedded exposure to harsh aspects in both my inner and outer environment throughout my life were highlighted in challenging moments during our trip. I experienced a deep longing for softness, kindness, compassion and love, ultimately from God, from me to myself, towards others and as a gift to myself (the latter sometimes being a harder environment to embody). There was also a growing awareness of the deep need for gentleness and compassion throughout my interactions within the immanent reality of day-to-day life.
Our next destination was to St Paul’s Church in Jarrow, where we were met by the churchwarden who, after closing the church for the rest of the year, opened it up again for our visit. Yet, again, evidence of kindness, love and generosity of both spirit and action. He informed us that he had also been the organist there for many years. On request he played a Christmas carol which we sang along to as well as a beautiful piece which filled the church and my heart with a feeling of expansion, it was literally as if a full orchestra was playing!
He spoke of the Venerable Bede’s presence and of the important role he had played at the church which, on reflection, provided a context and as well as a springboard to the final aspect of our pilgrimage.
With a sense of weariness in mind, body and spirit, it seemed we were all relieved that the next destination was going to be the hotel where we were to stay for one night only.
The Radisson Blu Hotel was opposite the business school aspect of Durham University close to the riverside. It felt like such a luxury to have free time before dinner to rest or explore the health club and I enjoyed the benefits of a swim and jacuzzi. I really appreciated the opportunity to engage in a spontaneous conversation with two guests in the sauna area. They were going to a charity event ‘Light upon Light’ at the cathedral to raise money for the St Cuthbert Hospice where a relative had lived until his onward journey of return. This felt provident as it was clear that they too were on their own personal pilgrimage.
The restaurant meal was a real treat though my dinner proved to be very rich in garlic! My instinct was to ask for rice to counterbalance this but, unfortunately, inner apprehension arose in my and I was fearful of not following the etiquette of Chisholme by introducing my own personal preferences. The result of this was that I was awake on the hour throughout the night with an upset stomach!
This, again, as we are learning in the Fusus, was an unusual gift as it reflected the necessity for me to express my personal needs, even in the face of my own fearful apprehension (that this might have perhaps been met with retribution from those at the table) – this fear of vulnerability being met with harshness is something that I have experienced throughout my life.
The next morning, after very little sleep, we had our breakfast at the hotel restaurant. There was an amazing spread of food and, as I was kindly informed by one of the staff, there was also the possibility of choosing something from the a la carte menu. This was another blessing for me as (being a bit of a ‘foodie)’ I was able to choose something that I love to eat at home which was avocado with chilli flakes, 2 poached eggs on sourdough bread with expresso coffee and hot milk. This was a real comfort and delight, made more so when Sakeena brought cooked tomatoes in olive oil sprinkled with sunflower seeds….delicious!!
I was a little tearful before we left for our final pilgrim destination as I was low on sleep and feeling a little bit hormonally sensitive…this was an important inner state for me to kindly acknowledge and I felt very nurtured as I was responded to, by the group, with loving kindness and understanding.
We had a wonderful silent, contemplative walk as a group of fellow pilgrims to Durham Cathedral (led on the pilgrim’s way by Hannah) which provided me with both comfort and reassurance that, not only was I been guided/lead on a meaningful route but that I wasn’t going to get lost! Symbolic of many needs being met on my ongoing path in life.
Arriving at the Cathedral we again were given some time to explore (very important for me to have a sense of freedom) before our meeting point at St Cuthbert’s resting place for contemplation and prayer. I did have a sense of the power that my request carried in this beautiful location and from this it felt important to sit in silence (reflective, I felt, of a group meditation) with others for an extended period of time.
I felt both a sense of certainty and uncertainty during my time at the cathedral but, in spite of all this, I experienced a sense of safety and love from the church warden who met us at St Bede’s final resting place. I thought of her as a kindred spirit as she embodied all that I needed in that moment. She was full of enthusiasm, warmth and gentle kindness. I felt almost as if I was a child being told a wonderful story imbued with miracle and wonder! She told us of the history of many saints but primarily of the role and ongoing great significance of the Venerable Bede and St Cuthbert. All of these saints had clearly been on their own inner and outer pilgrimages on a journey to be both guided as well as to guide. It was amazing to reflect that the presence of St Cuthbert (as well as the Venerable Bede) continues to attract pilgrims to this day and that we, as participants on the 6 month course, on our own inner and outer pilgrim – facilitated by many; both seen and unseen as well as both immanent and transcendent, to arrive, as we did, in order to articulate our prayer for help on the journey of life.
I trust that this pilgrimage will be of benefit and that it will awaken (in us all) a sense of thriving (rather than mere surviving) the second phase of the 6 month journey. Many of my inner longings for both spiritual and social integration as the need for rest and recuperation were articulated during this time – from my inner landscape to the Divine. I trust that my prayers have been heard and that the necessary adjustments will (and already are) become manifest.
Overall, I felt that my request opened up a lifeline as if activated by an SOS signal for help, in order for me to be alerted to both my need for assistance and His presence in order to console my sense of fragility which often manifests as a sense of brokenness/failure.
On a lighter note, I felt that a similar role as a Church Warden could act as a creative outlet for me in my (often) animated way of interacting in the world!
There were so many aspects to the trip which reflected mercy, kindness and compassion such as the delicious lunch prepared for us by Lisa which was so beautifully wrapped that it looked like a present rather than something practical to eat! It was a gift after all so the wrapping of it, in retrospect, reminded me of what it represented on all levels. There were also delicious, good quality mini chocolate bars from Gilly as well as a seemingly endless supply of travel sweets and crisps!
I ended up crying a lot on the way home, partly exhaustion and very much hormonal (I realized afterwards) but also with a deep ache combined with a sense of apprehension as to whether there would be room for all of me on the second part of the 6 month journey; my playfulness, need for fun and self expression and my fear that….perhaps there wouldn’t be room for all of my aspects to be expressed and accepted by the company of those at Chisholme. A fear that perhaps I would have to keep certain aspects of my nature tethered in case I would potentially step out of the order…whatever the order even is (my question at times)?
From this place of return to Chisholme I felt a great sense of vulnerability and uncertainty but, somewhere inside of me, I asked for help and shared the company of a fellow pilgrim at The Steadings. There was a beautiful and clear response from her and I felt a sense of being met, understood and guided. Further blessings, wow!
The next day was to mark Rumi’s nuptial night and I woke in the awareness of my fragility. Again, I asked for help and experienced a very warm and loving response from a volunteer/facilitator. I knew that I needed time to myself to rest and recuperate and received further practical guidance from a menopause nurse over the phone as well as spiritual reassurance communicated to me from my home base in Gloucester.
I realized, on my return, the importance of expressing my needs verbally to others as well as to compassionately acknowledge them in myself. Such acts of expression often fill me with a sense of trepidation (I often try to repress them to avoid conflict). I felt a strong sense of this trepidation when I reflected on a need for comfort which homemade gluten rich bread, puddings and cakes currently represent.
From my inner standpoint (based on previous trauma experiences of both unmet needs and retribution) I felt extremely apprehensive about voicing this request….I considered writing it down in order to change, yet again, my gluten status for meals…I was so distracted in my fear of retribution that I had no other option but to pray about it. I decided to face my fears and ask for what I needed verbally. Amazingly, as a reflection of mercy and compassion, this was met with loving kindness and understanding and, from this place of safety, I was then able to offer some practical guidance on a health issue that was communicated to me during this conversation. I felt both blessed and relieved; firstly that it was safe to ask for what I needed and secondly that it is also possible to be met kindly (also by holding the inner hand of the one who needs kindness and love i.e. myself! ). My conversation felt like the honouring of a shared experience and of the need for kindness, acknowledgement and love.
In conclusion, the deep need I have to know and ask for what I need, to feel my longing, to seek refuge as a way to find inner quietness has already been met although not yet fully manifest. The journey definitely is in a process of refinement but, at this point, I definitely feel a sense of humility, increased self awareness, acceptance as well as an increase in quietness (more often chosen rather than adhered to)
I’m sure the laughter, fun and playfulness will return but hopefully in a way that is appropriate to the changing environments in which I move through and perhaps in a more refined way; to use it as a way to express joy and gratitude rather than as only as a tool to cope with discomfort.
I feel both blessed and extremely challenged to be here at Chisholme and hope that my inner child and the Divine will assist me in navigating this next leg of the journey.
Thank you for reading my transcript to the end. It has been edited for brevity.
Thank you for your kindness and generosity in so many ways; for being here to hold the space for us students, for volunteering your time, energy and insight and for your kindness, understanding and love.
With the greatest appreciation
Rose Amey
December 20th 2024
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a wayfarer’s notes 