click to to access the podcast
transcript
… I don’t know why, but the pain and the weariness started first thing Sunday morning, February 5th and here it is today, on the 23rd.
I don’t even know what.
At first, when I was told it was diverticulitis, I took the antibiotic and thought it was gradually clearing, whatever it was throughout the week.
But then, it got bad again, so I went to see my doctor, who suggested it was kidney stones. So then I took 3 litres of water a day, and saw some improvement. And then it got worse again, and I was sent for a blood test with a note for … sss … I was sent for a CTscan, and when the results got back to the doctor, he sent me for a blood test, marking it “retro-perineal lympho-denopathy”, I think. So I had that blood test, and now I’m waiting to see a haematologist on Monday the 27th, who may conduct a further physical examination, I guess.
And then, I might know what, of what it is that I have. And it seems to me that whatever it is, it’s not in my power directly to heal myself. Except the one thing I can do, which is rest, and listen to the pain and the weariness, and what they advise me is helpful or harmful.
So one stage I went through was to defy the pain, up to a point, and defy the weariness, and think positive and so forth. … (that were created?) and to check back. Which in hindsight is quite reasonable to have happened.
So in practical terms, I spend most of the 24 hours on my bed. Some of the hours in the sitting room, on my back, and maybe an hour or so at the desktop computer, and quite often looking at the tablet, which doesn’t require me to get up. And the same old links. Which aren’t in themselves uplifting.
But then I’ve got, I think altogether four books, by or about Martin Buber which, well, have been good. They’re not exactly light reading but illuminating. And show that he was a big great man. Philosopher, statesman, Zionist, scholar. Not exactly theologian nor philosopher but somewhere in between. Adviser to many prominent people. Wise for everybody who came to him. Controversial figure. Prophet not without honour except in his own country where he was viewed with suspicion in Israel. He moved to Jerusalem in 1938 in advance of the establishment of Israel. As an independent (sounds like “Patien”). And he was profoundly involved with Mr Ben-Gurion. And when Adolf Eichmann was tried and sentenced to death, he was hotly against the death penalty. Even for him, he sort of believed—well, it’s not that he had rigid principles. He was against rigid principles. But he didn’t think the trial was conducted properly in the sense that the victims should not be the judge, and much more besides that.
And anyway this is—I think I should speak about me, really, and my situation. And yet there’s this fine line to do with keeping one’s privacy. Or even a sort of author’s persona, which I confess that I do, in a Wayfarer’s Notes, that I am calling myself Vincent, which is in fact my middle name. Bute everybody knows me by my first name here. And so “Ian” is not the public person. And so even now I see the separation. So why do I want to say this? Because—full stop. I don’t need to analyse what I do. The thing is, I do what I do. The action is worth more than the analysis.
Maybe this isn’t a good time to do this recording. Karleen just made a lovely breakfast. But I didn’t feel ready to do it justice. So I said I’ll go upstairs to bed. And then I remembered we had rolled the bed—our futon—to air it.
So I went into the middle room, as we call it, full of prints from van Gogh. And it’s got washing, dried washing, hanging from lines, which covers half the bed. It’s a double bed so I’m in the, not directly under the sheets and towels, and so forth. And I’m near to the, my desk, and can see the light coming through the window of that desk. And I hear the sirens outside, and the life that is going on around. And this beloved room in this beloved house in this beloved part of town. The town that I call sometimes Wye Vale, and the street I often talk about which is—as Ledborough Road. And in fact, that is just to frustrate search engines. So yes, Karleen is my wife, the town is H— W— and the road is called actually -esborough Road. And I shan’t be doing a transcript of this, and I may not in any case publish it. And then in order to publish it I would have to, I think , assemble the various parts, because I stopped for a few seconds. Just, I’ve got some software to do that, I could just stick it up as an .mp3, and then just do a blog with a link to it. All of which I think could be done in half an hour sitting at the desktop computer, when I feel more up to it.
And then, take a view as to whether it is worth publishing for the entire world. Which, I’ll probably think, no it isn’t. As with a number of other posts.
(sighs) And I think the strategy here is, I can just keep talking, which keeps the brain cells focussed. And then, take a view on it later, as to which bits, if any, anything, could be shaped into something public. So when my younger daughter rang, it was either yesterday or the day before, and I was lying in bed just like this, flat on my back, with. We had a lovely conversation. She’s a, well she’s a special person, and I could, she said that I sounded lively. And then, indeed I did. And I said well, you know, it’s because of you, it’s your presence, it’s your, erm, you. You’re a giving person. It was a kind of “I you” business. But you see, it can be also with the person you don’t see and the person you don’t know, or the world or anything, can be you. Because that is the whole point, to me, that is the whole point of communication. And the beauty of what I’m doing now. I cannot call it writing because it isn’t writing. It’s simply talking, and I can pretty much guarantee it will never be written. Not by me. And that is a wonderful thing.
[Recording paused]
And now it’s 2 o’clock, and I’m back in my own bed. After the previous part of this broadcast, I fell asleep, and woke up at something like 20 past 11, and had a dream. Which was that I went to see Dr M— at the surgery, because I do in fact have an appointment with him tomorrow, at 2pm. And I was sitting there in the waiting room on the bench, and he came out, and so I perked up, we exchanged eye contact, and he said no, later. And then he selected another man on the same bench. He’d got there earlier. And so that was fine. And then he came back out, same thing happened again, and he said no, it’s not your turn yet. And so that was the second person went in, and then the third. There was fourth before me.
And then I fell asleep, I mean I was already in a dream but I fell asleep in the dream, if that’s possible, and, so I don’t know what happened when I did get to see him. Except that what did happen in my dream was that I heard very soothing music. It was from long long ago. It was the kind of thing you might have heard on the radio in the Fifties, a small combo, Latin American trio, yes trio, playing gentle music.
Well, then, this is about 20 past 11, Karleen came up into that middle room, and I’d woken up seconds before. I always wake up seconds before she comes into the room. Well, except when I’m in the room fast asleep and she tells me about it later. Anyway. So when I told her this dream, my voice broke. It sort of got me to tears, as it almost does now. And I said, it’s the kindness that was in it, that’s all I can say. (Voice breaks.) The, it was just the kindness of that dream and the music playing. It wafted me somewhere. And that’s ridiculous because I don’t really know what, I don’t really have a clear idea of the music or anything. It’s not associated with anything. Except that Dr M is in fact a very good man, Karleen always goes to see him and, I seldom do, but, he’s all right and he’s definitely OK, and I am going to see him tomorrow, even though he thinks that the condition remains stable, I don’t really have a need to see him and I could have cancelled two days ago.
But I’m not quite sure what he means by the condition being stable. And he probably doesn’t have anything to tell me. And it doesn’t matter, I’m going anyway, and I can park at Lidl, and so the amount of walking will be very slight, so I can go under any circumstances to see him, because as I said I think my health, my illness, is not treatable by myself, except to be sensible, and I’m not sure being sensible will make it go away by itself. So that’s all I have to say.
a wayfarer’s notes 