“The Head’s sermon”

Satirical spoof on actual sermon delivered at St Thomas’s Church, Newport IW, July 1958

A school-friend whom I have not seen face-to-face since the late Fifties has finally sent me a photocopy of an anthology of writings and drawings from that era, mostly my work. I think the best piece was written by the freethinking maths master Mr Dufeu, before he was fired. His writing the verses on the blackboard may have hastened his forced departure. Here are a few stanzas:

I can sing, said the Head, I can preach
Every subject in school I can teach
Every game I can coach
I’m a joy to approach
Every statement I make is a peach

……

Mend your textbooks with tape or with paste
I repeat – they will not be replaced
Though pages are bent
And eighty percent
Are missing, detached or defaced

That I’m humble and meek you’ll agree
And a Christian as good as can be
When to Heaven you go
If you’re not sent below
Ask for Gabriel, Moses or me.

I wonder how much religiosity is lampooned in the States? Certainly it is in The Simpsons where the Reverend Lovejoy and Ned Flanders are depicted in a satirical style that was familiar to me in my teens.

I was 16 and had just been elevated to the highest class, the Sixth Form, and made a prefect, with certain authority over the younger boys. The end of the summer term was celebrated with a church service in the town, and the Head gave the sermon. Despite the documentary evidence, I have no recollection of writing down his sermon for posterity. Here it is, as recalled by me soon afterwards. (How much is true, and how much is my wicked exaggeration is anyone’s guess.)

“I am very sorry that our preacher was unable to come as planned because, as he told me, today coincides with the start of his annual six-months’ holiday. I therefore, as Headmaster of this ancient school, take this opportunity of addressing not only you boys, for I can do that during our daily devotions, but also the parents (each worth £19 a term).

“My sermon, if you could call it such, is not very inspiring; I have not even chosen a biblical text. My theme was in fact chosen for me by one of the smaller boys who hopes one day to become a minister of the Lord himself. It is that of Duty. I was very pleased that the boy suggested this, for it is a theme dear to my heart and shows that the spirit of loyalty and Christian gentlemanliness is not dead in a school based on the firm and in fact immovable foundation of the Established Church. So many fine young men have given up their lives cheerfully, leaving the school at the age of eighteen or nineteen, some of them, fighting for a just cause, their country, their God and their Queen.

“We all have our duties: mine is to see that the spirit which drove Englishmen to conquer all over the world in the first Elizabeth’s time, as the little boys in the front will doubtlessly [sic] know, is not completely extinguished in this harsh world of ours. All around us are the enemies of righteousness: workers selfishly trying to squeeze blood out of the innocent stones of their employers, workers who through strikes show they have not the interests of their country, their religion and their Queen at heart.

“We in this school try to fill the gap: England needs leaders, and only the best is good enough. That is what we try to teach you in the CCF [Combined Cadet Force], you know, boys. We are not a lot of bloodthirsty unscrupulous ogres training you for war, but we try to instil in you the qualities of leadership and obedience—and sparkling shiny boots—so important in all branches of life. Loyalty to your parents, your Queen and those set under her are very important, but loyalty to your Headmaster comes first of all.

“You know, we call ourselves Christians and we think we live in a Christian country but have you ever considered it? Now I am not very good at arithmetic but I think a few stark unadorned figures would be very revealing. There are 171 hours in a week which makes 8208 hours in a year. Suppose you go to church morning and evening every Sunday. You would probably think that a very good score. If you were fortunate enough to go to a service that did not take more than an hour, you would spend 104 hours out of 8208 in church in the worship of your Maker. My arithmetic works this out as roughly one eightieth of your time, which isn’t much, is it? And supposing you only go once a week? Supposing you only go to church to be baptized, married and buried? And yet we call ourselves a Christian country.

“I am sure that all of you including grandparents, if we have any here, will realize that we bring nothing into this world and take out nothing except our souls. All is given to us free. Consider how much you put in the Church collection—how much you are going to put in after this sermon. If you put in half-a-crown morning and evening every Sunday it will amount to twelve pounds and ten shillings. Taking the average wage as £500 p.a. this is 1/40 of the total. And yet we think we are generous. My long experience of collecting and counting collections has been that single pennies are still very much in evidence. I would ask you to think of these things during our offertory hymn.

“And now to God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Ghost be ascribed all manner of might, majesty, dominion and power, from henceforth and for evermore. Amen.”